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Can you relate to living a facade?

Posted 11/21/2021

Ever sit in a room or be at a family event where hurt, or harm is known between people or a hanging silent, unresolved residue? 


Sometimes we might talk about it before or after with other family members, some acknowledging and validating the hurt felt or harm done,  or other family members can have a completely stand, not taking sides. Some unwilling to give any space for conversation on, gossip because simply, it feels uncomfortable, awkward even to some quite offensive leaving defensive. It’s just all frankly fake! It’s real too, don’t get me wrong but, really?! Is it what everyone wants and, are willing to be? Uncomfortable, gossiping, not saying anything at all, sad, hurt, resentful, withholding, avoiding and even tragically excluded - sometimes for good till it’s too late to fix at all  - our deathbeds!  


Sound familiar? 


Living a facadeLiving a facade


Ever sit in a group setting healing circle or space where you feel heard? You finally feel not alone? Safe? Including watching others, or having the experience of brand new love where once there was so much hurt caused? Ever sit in a healing group and hear/experience all of these kinds of stories?


Ever sit with the one that hurt or harmed you and they look you in the eye, with profound and deep remorse taking full accountability for their actions? 


And to those that have been criminally harmed in impact, have you ever sat in a circle with other victim’s of impact and with offender and other offenders - all together in a healing for forgiveness and reconciliation intention? 


I’m sure there will be some of you that can relate on some of these questions as a “yes”, some “no” and even some that I’m sure would say “HELL! NO WAY!!” 


Now, let me get to the point of why this blog? Why all of these questions? 


My answer is simply: If you are one that can say genuinely that you relate to having had some of these experiences “first hand”, then, and only then, you will empathetic really understand where I’m going with this blog. However, if you can honestly and authentically admit to yourself you have not experienced one or more of the above, then you will not, at all, have any empathy, nor maybe justifiably understand the motive and possibility I’m about to share here in this blog. 


I have experienced ALL of the above settings, even willingly investing into attending AA groups when I’ve never been an alcoholic. And let me confess, that taking on the idea to sit with offenders or in circle subjects that had nothing directly to do with me but of someone that hurt me, I always ALWAYS had to get my head out of the way of “why should I understand THIER world?!” I was angry taking on someone’s world, especially when it occurred for me as not mine, hurting or harmful. Once I got coached through to see what outcome could be possible where it felt impossible with someone where once there was love? That outcome of possibility was much more attractive to me versus, holding onto my own righteousness, proving, angry, and stress - I also saw responding and going about life being right, controlling life “my way” I was still being a victim and that alone, I was hungry to let go of!  I became more curious for, how do people become or do/say how and who they do and are?! Little things, like buying a book on “How to live with angry people.” Even attending AA groups in order to look at understanding behind the “how does one get to addiction or have such difficulty reaching sobreity for self control?” 


Have you, yourself ever bought a book or taken a selfless interest to understand’s someone else’s choices (ESPECIALLY the person(s) that hurt you) in their actions or behaviours versus reacting and deciding that you yourself, your opinion of the circumstance is all right, they’re wrong and bad? Could you be able to open yourself IF it helped towards forgiveness, an empowering firm hold on setting healthy boundaries that work for you, or would you be a firm stop and be okay living with no genuine closure, even be okay being okay with how it really is? That would mean choosing also your future like this, you can’t choose to complain or blame either you see - well, you can keep complaining and blaming - you’re not alone. A coach once said to me “Charmaine if you choose this, you know you also choose your own suffering?”


If anyone wants ANY movement or shake up of a love-turned-hurt-harm-relationship and situation, in my opinion and experience (which is irrelevant and not anyone else’s experience), if you can genuinely admit your unhappiness and want change, it’s all not going to permanently change until you are willing to maybe add to your therapy a new investment of discovering on the behaviours outside of YOU! I guarantee, once we put aside our own view, opinions and judgements and step firmly into another’s world (as hard as that idea is) we start to open up empowerment, courage, strength and possibility for a whole-new-founded relationship where once there was love, respect and kindness. BUT I say that without not saying - it’s a dual effort - BOTH people in the impact of hurt have to FULLY do the work in order to get to complete clean up and closure! Otherwise the life of facade living will go on. 


Getting out of my own stuck beliefs, my righteous patterns and actions that I knew were protecting me, is one of the best contributions of life-skills training I have EVER had the greatest appreciation for. As mentioned above, it’s allowed for me to live more curious-for the, “how or why people become to believe how they do in general, or act how we act.” Seeing it first with ourselves is GIANT selfless healing step!


After having all of this background healing, whether through circle groups, courses, seminars, books, therapy and applying all of the training and modalities to my life is another skill that so often by many of us, we get trained, we read lots, we get all the therapy in the world and don’t really apply what we learn to our life. Why does this happen? 


Frankly, it’s a guess that with permanent change it doesn’t come without being a new kind of person and, a kind of constancy, strength and courage that often looks like people who have known you or way, most will often turn against the new person you become. People don’t like change but it’s being willing to see the other side of our vision as possible, and starting there, nothing else will matter. Those who love you will really, never leave your side. 


Does all of that suggest my life is perfect or I know it all? NO WAY! I continue to live vulnerable and very open to learn past my teachings because ONE, I’ve learned staying stuck in my truth or belief’s limits expansion and growth, TWO, it’s a selfish perspective to not let in any other teachings, belief or contribution and THREE; I’ve vividly learned that courage, being vulnerable and having the strength to walk through to better change I am not alone with. Frankly, I was more alone hiding in my survivor mode. 


Today, I STILL truthfully  and painfully sit in and observe spaces where there is not closure on hurt or abuse between loved ones. Behaviours are so gripped to shame, guilt, being resentful and resigned to a point that love gets lost  and instead of taking on full account to holding themselves bigger gets lost. It’s a heartbreaking helpless feeling where you can’t make a difference fearing spaces like this I see so often remain until something either tragically happens or it’s held onto till their deathbed. Leaving things unsaid or leaving painful words as the last words is ALWAYS the biggest regret at any deathbed. But, the first part to any positive change is admitting too it.


I leave you with a final thought, if this blogs resonates and you can relate, know this; you are not alone. 


LOVE DOES move mountains, and as clear as the infamous quote goes; “Until we can be loved by another, we have to learn to fall in love with ourselves first” - until we stop and invest in on new therapy of how to deal with the people around us - consider it’s time to learn how to love yourself a whole new-founded way.