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My relationship with “God”; Enrage or Reconciliation?

Posted 2/25/2022


The first time I heard the word “God” was Mom. We prayed to God at supper, at bedtime and at Church. My mom also was a Sunday school teacher. Mom was more the advocate then my dad in memory because most memories of my dad were always he’d either be starting food fights before we’d start praying before we ate, or  at church, he’d always got lost finding the hymn songs and really, if he followed along at all. I think he just played the part of believing, whether he did believe or not still remains a mystery. His mom though, grandma, I loved going to her church when we visited her. Something always felt so good when being with Grandma! 


As I grew into my own independence I did keep up my faith, not religiously by going to church every Sunday, I practiced prayer. 


I can honestly confess I never automatically leaned on blaming “God” as “why me” I was however resentful at times of challenge or confront when I would hear from people, “it’s God’s plan, he won’t give you what you can’t handle”, I always felt, I didn’t want his plan to begin with, how was “my life” HIS plan?!! 


I always had and still, tend to have a lot of questions from early on from reading the Bible, I’m indifferent to finding out the answers because then, I still get to believe whether it’s all true or not. I learned of evolution, then I was introduced into different cultured beliefs and this kind of new learning all started in my early twenties.  I really enjoyed learning of Indigenous practices through experiencing sweat lodges, drumming, spirit animals, and learning about the Creator. Buddha practices and I especially grew curious of energy forces, different frequencies and quantum physics. It was tying into respect for different faith and spiritual practices with one common and grounding theme throughout; there was ALWAYS a leading leader or force that human beings tend to lean on. 


Do I believe in a God? The father Jesus Christ? I’ll say this, there is many scriptures written, and how I tend to “choose to believe anything in general” is only if I first hand witness something, taste it, touch it, see, feel it, I then will be able to give you my full 100% confident yes or no and anything I hear or read, well, it’s all for full interpretation. So, I have no reason to believe or not to believe there is a God and, after reading the Bible and referencing back through it over time whether it’s through listening to a sermon or randomly closing my eyes and pointing to a verse out for my “spiritual message” for the day ahead… I use the Bible as a parable for my life. It’s (spiritual message) often proved to be good timing for what’s currently happening in my life, always without fail leaving me with hope or an explanation of how things are always turning up.


This segway’s perfectly into my relationship with God at times of troubling and challenging circumstance. 


The absolute darkest times in my life whether it was waiting for the bottle of pills to take me over, wondering how I was going to feed my kids who were arriving into my schedule the next day, or watching the doctors lips say, you have two to five years left to live…. I NEVER saw enrage…. 


In my first book, God?WTF?! I wrote, I tend to look to God… or the Universe in the darkest of moments and ask from “how now?!” How in the impossible now do I be next with what’s happening?!!! 


One thing guaranteed I’ve learned, to date is “trusting” that everything always works out. I lived after taking a whole of pills, I miraculously found a way to have food for my kids and today, I’m living past my prognosis with ALS. 


BUT having just faith and trusting that everything will work out, the knowing of this IS NOT what only saves the day. And this, for me, is where reconciliation “with God” comes in. Without “action” we won’t see the change we want to see happen. 


I think too many just pray and trust without also being and doing what is needed to make change. To see the miracles happen and to see the change we desire for, we have to radically and often dive two feet into courage, brevity and vulnerable states of being in order to see our true strengths. It’s easier and more human tendency to play safe and wait for the miracle, for fear of rejection, failure or for having more of what we don’t want. 


In order to reconcile with God, I had to reconcile with myself first. Lucy (my Pastor) said once to me, “I invite people sometimes to let go of using God as the language and replace God with Love” so, loving myself a new way in my darkest times even IF it meant baring the most vulnerable and scariest truth of what was in times happening for me to another, it was then, and only then, with love I could reconcile. 


Reconciliation is like being wrapped up snug in a warm blanket, like a swaddled baby. It’s the feeling of self-validation, it’s feeling validated and it’s a freeing and pure sense of achievement. The bonus is, LOVE is the driving force… and with that, we all know, LOVE moves mountains and makes the world go around. 


I love YOU! 

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